Back in the day, watching makeup tutorials was a big thing for me. I knew all the big brands, how to put on makeup, and all the tips and tricks one could know to really perfect that glorified cat eye. And thus, spent long hours putting it on and experimenting, all to just wash it away with a makeup wipe. I spent a lot of time picking out colors, wasting money on eye shadows and foundations I knew I would never be brave enough to wear outside my house. At the start of college, I loved the all-black eye shadow makeup look; you know the panda-eye look? Yep! Huge fan, but that look never escaped the perimeters of my room. And as waking up early after pulling all-nighters to study and finish my papers, the idea of wearing makeup every day began to be less and less exciting.
So I turned to the basic cat eye, mastering it day by day and never leaving the house without it. It was simple, edgy, and I had complete control over how thick the line would look (being low-key loyal to the panda-eye look side of me). It took me over twenty minutes every morning to really ‘perfect’ both eyes, because sometimes the left looks different than the right, and I never really settled for that. Throughout college, I’ve gone through days where I would give my all to look my best but now after graduating and working a serious job, I’ve gone from putting on eyeliner every day, to absolutely nada. Simply embracing my own, bare face. Doesn’t matter if I have a pimple the size of Jupiter on my chin, doesn’t matter if my sleepless nights show through my darkened under-eyes. It simply doesn’t matter, because no amount of concealer or foundation can really cover up your soul.
I honestly am as confused as you are. How can I transform from one extreme to the next? But I think that’s part of growing up. As your character develops, your priorities change. The things you may be in love and extremely passionate about today can die in a flick of a finger. No one believes me when I say I know how to put on makeup, and can prep up with a smoky eye, only because I don’t exhibit my skills on myself anymore. Today, I’m sticking with a simple red or purplish lipstick, just to give my face a hint of color.
Today, when I look at my reflection in the mirror, all I could see is bareness. Not gonna lie, I sometimes itch to just apply any sort of chemical on my eyes, anything to make them look fresher. But instead, I grasp my close to the core lipstick and apply it. It’s at those moments of weakness that I remember all the countless times I had to excuse myself to the bathroom for makeup maintenance, to make sure my eye-liner isn’t running, or that my foundation doesn’t look like frosting on my face on a hot summer day. It’s because of these moments that I realized how burdened I was, that I had no capacity whatsoever for such trivial things, and that I’d better exert these efforts into things that will actually benefit me.
Everything’s a learning curve. You don’t simply just decide I’m not going to do this now. Sometimes you have to go through it, to fully understand it, and know what it is you’re ready for and up to, and what is it you’re not. Choosing to wear make-up is okay, and choosing to not wear makeup is okay too. As long as you’re true to yourself, live life the way you want too, and express yourself in whichever way you see fits best.