Why Did You Have To Leave, Mama?

Why did you have to leave Mama?“, the question that I always keep asking myself. It is said that everything happens for a reason, however, I still can’t figure out a fair reason for being deprived of my mom for the rest of my life. It’s been 365 days today since she left me, and I still can’t cope with her absence. There isn’t a day that goes by without her crossing my mind. I don’t know how much she is able to see, but I am no longer whole without her. I’m heart broken. They say time heals all wounds but I’m not so sure about this one.

It hurts to write a letter to someone who isn’t physically on Earth to see it, but I write and I hope that somehow she is able to read these words or hear me. I miss her more with every passing day. I don’t usually talk to many people about her because I’d have to talk in past tense and that brings tears to my eyes. I miss her voice, her face, her laugh, her smell, her hugs, and her funny and silly jokes. I miss going back home and walking through the door to her open arms. Since the day she is gone, my life has completely flipped upside-down and changed forever. I wish she was here and I can talk to her. I’ve had some really hard times without her that I have cried out loud and just wished she was here.

I’m filled with regret for ever not appreciating her enough, for fighting with her, and for all those times that we could not see eye-to-eye. I am sorry for not being the perfect daughter, for not giving her what she actually deserved. As I try to move forward, I’m thankful for the time that we had together, the memories that we made and the stories that we shared. I’m thankful that we had the opportunity to share 22 years together, and although every day I wish for more, I am grateful.

I yell at everyone who is unappreciative to their mothers. The ones who say I hate them or that they are annoying. I get visibly angry when my friend’s mom keeps calling and my friend doesn’t want to pick up saying “Yooh heya kol shwaya hatetesel!”. If only you knew the agony some people are in for not having their mothers in their lives anymore. You are so lucky to still have your mom with you, the world’s biggest grace. Appreciate your mom before it’s too late.

So on this day Mama, a day that marks a year of my life without  you, I just wanted to thank you for inspiring every person that knew you with your “glass half full” positivity and stubbornness to give up. But most of all, thank you for loving me through it all. I’ll always be your little girl and I hope you’re looking down at me, beaming with pride. Everything I do, I do for you or with you in mind. No matter how much time goes on or how old I get, I will always live this way. Just know that the love I have for the people in my life, is by no means comparable to the love I have for you. I love you more than I’m capable of loving any other human being in this entire world, Mama. And will always do.

Rest in peace.